Sun. Dec 8th, 2019

Top Five Things More Interesting than the Impeachment Hearings

4 min read

Not sure about your feelings on the matter, but just typing “Impeachment Hearings” nearly caused a sudden onset of “Don’tGiveAF*ckitis” with symptoms ranging from eye-glazing over to potentially harmful bouts of narcolepsy. Thankfully there’s no pencil protruding from my desk, which my falling head would’ve disappeared. Name that movie, or better yet, name the color of the pencil because even a pencil is more interesting than the Impeachment Hearings. Yet so feverish with Trump Derangement Syndrome are the Democrats and their bed-wetting water-carriers in the media, basically every network spared from the cleansing waters of God’s Great Flood is covering the hearings. Kind of makes you wonder if God is up there right now, talking to the angels, saying “You know, maybe I should’ve worked on the seventh day, just to ensure this kind of dumbforkery didn’t happen.” Alas, God rested. And so, millennia later, Adam Schiff sidled up to a microphone and word vomited.

But enough about Shifty McSchifface and his gang of ugly walking tumors. You’re likely here because, like me, you know this impeachment game is nothing but vengeance for Trump knocking Crooked Hillary from her Nimbus 2000. Thus you find this week’s IMPEACHMENT NEWS OMG more boring than tepid water collecting dust.

If Epstein were still alive today, he’d likely be so bored, he’d kill himself. Unfortunately, he was never given the opportunity, as he was strangled in his cell by other people not named Epstein.

Therefore, in honor of people who are still with us and couldn’t give two cow boofs about im🍑ment, I’ve devised a completely useless top five list that not even BuzzFeed would allow to trash up its spectacle of a website. Hashtag goals, my friends.

Without further ado, here are five things more interesting than the Democrats’ three-year culmination of being such miserable crybabies.

FIVE: The story of how this paperclip got into Jackie Speier’s hair.

Look closely. That’s no barrette. It’s a paperclip. Was she, too, overcome by narcolepsy at her desk, and she fell, hair first, into a pile of paperclips? Does the clip simply identify as a pretty, pretty tiara? Or did someone just flick it at her in a game of table football gone foul?

FOUR: The genius who photoshopped Schiff’s nightmarish mug on Greta’s body.

I approve. Skillful Photoshop work, there. I’ve had to photoshop some faces on some bodies in my time at Louder with Crowder. This is pretty good work. Game respects game.

THREE: Speaking of great photoshops, this “story” from parody site Waterford Whisper News would really spice up the Impeachment Hearing viewership.

I don’t care what you think about Beyonce. She’s immaterial here. But you tell me if she danced her way through the impeachment proceedings you wouldn’t watch that crap. Anyone who denies this is a liar and how dare you (see above for reference).

TWO: The confirmation we live with a bunch of dirty people after all.

Maybe it’s you. Maybe you have reasons. Maybe we don’t care what the reasons are.

ONE: These dudes who upped the game, keeping the game alive. I don’t care if you know exactly where it’s going, sometimes the journey is just as important as the destination.

Sure, you knew what was going to come out of the mouth. Who cares? Every Mission: Impossible movie ends with Tom Cruise winning. You still watch.

And that, my friends, proves while media is trying to get you obsessed with IMPEACHMENT, there’s still plenty of random internet gem puddles in which you can throw yourself to save you from the boredom of Democrats trying to undo what you did three years ago. And what, unless there’s a major scandal, you will repeat in one year’s time.

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Author: Courtney Kirchoff