Mon. Aug 19th, 2019

UK Home Office Makes Knife-Free Chicken Boxes to Combat Knife Crime

4 min read

This is not a Monty Python sketch. Ricky Gervais didn’t include this in his fabulous series After Life. No my fellow Americans, this is real life and what our lives would’ve looked like had our fore fathers and fore mothers refrained from kicking some serious British ass. The UK Home Office, which according to its Twitter bio is “the lead UK government department for immigration and passports, drugs policy, crime, fire, counter-terrorism and police” is combating Britain’s stabbing problems with knife-free chicken boxes. Worse, they’re bragging about it:

How do I put this? This “knifefree” campaign is so cringe, I’m embarrassed to have British ancestry. The British lackeys boasting about a box with “knifefree” on it, with “real life stories” of how super pale people went through life without pointy objects, is so hopeless I really feel like we should no longer look to the UK for anything. As much as BBC shows > American shows on Netflix.

I’ll let you in on a not-secret: I’ve actually been holding back some of my insults against the string of British stupidity due to a long-running and unhealthy crush on a British citizen who shall remain nameless. But true LWC fans will guess it faster than speeding bullet. But I feel I’m like… 85% over that, so I’m finally free to let loose with the mockery.

But wait, because this story actually gets better. An MP is calling this whole campaign racist. Not stupid, racist. Not so silly the entire nation of Great Britain will have the world doubled over in fits of laughter, with historians wondering how in the name of Winston Churchill’s left butt cheek did this country win any kind of war ever, but racist.

These kinds of stories will bankrupt the Babylon Bee. I can’t stand for that.

But for the sake of the LOLs, let’s read what MP David Lammy has to say. From the UK Guardian:

“The Home Office is using taxpayers’ money to sponsor an age-old trope,” he told the Guardian. “Boris Johnson has already called black people ‘piccaninnies with watermelon smiles’. Now his government is pushing the stereotype that black people love fried chicken. This ridiculous stunt is either explicitly racist or, at best, unfathomably stupid.

Let me help you, Lammy. It’s unfathomably stupid. I’d wager even Piers Morgan will weigh in with plenty of eye rolls and scoffs.

“I know it might cost a bit more time, effort and money, but I would love it if you would announce a programme of investment in our local communities instead of spending five minutes on a harmful gimmick.”

I don’t think this is so much a racist campaign as much as it’s a campaign against human intelligence. Because really, who uses knives with fried chicken? What kind of heathen sits down to a three piece chicken meal and asks for a knife? Such a fiend should be locked in the stocks and walloped with a broom handle for all to see. Made an example of right along side those cucks who demand their steak be “well done.” I’d tell you to go to hell but you’re already there.

More than 321,000 of the boxes are to replace the usual packaging at 210 chicken shop outlets including Morley’s, Dixy Chicken and Chicken Cottage in England and Wales, following a pilot at 15 branches of Morley’s in March.

Stories about young people who pursued boxing and music, rather than carrying a knife, will also be printed inside the boxes.

We just cast another British citizen as another American hero. Robert Pattinson as Batman. Before principal photography, we need to ask him what he thinks of this campaign. If he is in anyway supportive of it, throw him in Boston Harbor. We don’t need to drown him. Give him some Batman floaties. I’m just saying we need to seriously reconsider any American ties to the British after this chicken campaign.

Yet to be answered is how a box of chicken will dissuade baddies from stabbing people. But we’re not supposed to talk about results, only the intentions. Since intentions are never paved on a road leading to places of perpetual hotness.

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Author: Courtney Kirchoff