Tue. Nov 12th, 2019

Dear Hollywood: Enough with the Lazy Remakes

4 min read

Original Home Alone, 2019 Lion King, 2019 Spiderman, 2019 Aladdin

Dear “artists” afraid of taking creative risks, especially you hacks at Disney,

It was announced today that Disney will remake the classic Home Alone for its new streaming service. This comes a few years after some rubes remade Ben Hur to fizzling disappointment. Which came a few years after three different Spiderman franchises were made not during my lifetime, but during just my adulthood. The Home Alone announcement, made while the “live-action” remake of The Lion King is now in theaters, was the final straw placed on a CGI elephant’s back playing host to the newest Aladdin while he’s Prince Ali fabulous he yet again. Why hold dear a memorable classic starring a phenomenal cosmic power performance from Robin Williams, when you can make it worse with Will Smith in blue body paint?

Getting the picture? Or do I need to make a sketch, animate it, then live-action the animation using CGI, still insisting it’s “live-action”? If you’re not getting the picture, let’s wait ten-ish years and I’ll just “reboot” it.

It’s time to stop the needless remakes. Now. Please. For the love of all things that were actually pretty good the first time around. Hear me out.

You Hollywood glitterati put on annual awards to honor yourselves for how creative, original, edgy and artistic you think you are. But I have to wonder what percentage of your stuffed coffers are funded by pure laziness in the forms of remakes. Or in the case of one 2019’s Best Picture nominees, a remake of a remake of remake… of an original film from 1937.

But man, that Lady Gaga sure is talented.

Sure, you pompous ego models are just trying to make a buck. Plus a billion. What better way to churn out an extra tanker of cash than by betting on a sure thing that has already paid off. Sometimes more than once. Especially if people’s sense of history begins when they’re able to form long-term memories. Which explains why some SJW thumb-suckers think “strong female characters” are somehow a new idea. Not so. Google “Jodie Foster.”

But I digress. We’re living in an era when visiting the past has never been easier. We needn’t leave our homes to go stand in line and give our entire financial history to rent a VHS for two nights. If I want to watch the animated, and vastly superior Beauty and the Beast, I need only to turn on my Apple TV.

There’s no reason, other than greed, to remake that which was already great to begin with.

Yet so all-consuming is your greed, so reluctant are you to take risks and stretch to more creative spaces, you Hollywood hacks just redo. And redo and redo. Making you not artists, but complete and total sell-outs.

Let me slide down a tangent for a tiny second. The only reason, in my opinion, to remake a film is to improve upon it. For this and this reason alone, I’d like to see a limited series of The Count of Monte Cristo, as no good film of it has been made. I walk that back zero. Steven and I have actually argued about this one as he likes the 2002 film, which I was unable to watch for longer than seven minutes, lest someone step on my eyes after they rolled right out of my head. So complex and layered is the plot of Monte Cristo, it cannot possibly be jammed into a two or three hour film. A mini-series is the only medium to give it justice. And dear God, if another screenwriter tries giving it a different, “happier” ending I will lose my shit. End tangent.

Eye roll

To be fair, Jim Caviezel as the Count is perfect casting.

Also, if a cartoon is remade with CGI, it’s not “live-action.” Stop insulting our intelligence, Disney. Unless you got a real baboon to hold up a real lion cub above a real rock without getting PETA involved, I don’t want to hear about how “live” and “action” The Lion King is. End second tangent.

Every time you hacks regenerate a film more frequently than Doctor Who, you erode what little creative clout you have left. The more you recycle from your well of limited ideas, the less creative respect you will have, and the more power you will cede to non-Hollywood studios which are willing to take risks. Which isn’t a bad thing.

Artists are original. Being original doesn’t include copying and pasting something from an older canvas onto a shinier canvas some 10, 20 or 30 years later like some kind of mommy blogger with a Pinterest fail.

Hollywood, you will never be our moral leaders. You’re no longer our creative leaders. But keep spitting out these remakes, and you’ll one day lose your status as entertainment leaders.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff

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Author: Courtney Kirchoff