If you’re one of those people who’s obsessed with dystopias like zombie apocalypse movies, television shows, and literature, you may be in luck. Kind of. The end of humanity may not come from some incurable disease or nuclear fallout. No, the end of humanity may come in the form of weak people bragging about how weak they are like it’s something to be proud of. We’ll call this strain of disease the “Democratic Socialists of America,” who at a recent convention in Georgia, warned each other about such dangers as talking to the police, talking to the press, talking in general, clapping, and certain pronouns. Welcome to the end.
Meanwhile at the Democratic Socialists of America conference… pic.twitter.com/fT0GfHIFFI
— Young Americans Against Socialism (@YAAS_America) August 4, 2019
“I just want to say, can we please keep the chatter to the minimum? I’m one of the people who’s very, very prone to sensory overload. There’s a lot of whispering and chattering going on. It’s making it very difficult for me to focus. Please. I know we’re all fresh and ready to go, but can we please just keep the chatter to a minimum? It’s affecting my ability to focus.”
Not only do the socialists have to whisper gently, but they need to whisper gently without pronouns, maybe addressing each other with hand gestures. Gentle gestures, obviously. Though hand gestures will trigger the handless community.
But the audience didn’t accommodate the talking police state of one, so he came back threatening a coup:
— Nightmare Vision (@GodCloseMyEyes) August 4, 2019
“YOU GUYS/GALS/ZES I AM SUPER SERIOUS ABOUT BEING SENSITIVE TO LOUD NOISES, SO I’M NOW STANDING UP WITH A MICROPHONE YELLING AT YOU TO SHUT UP WITH YOUR SIDE CHATTER THAT’S TRIGGERING MY OTHERWISE CALM DEMEANOR. SERIOUSLY, I’M LIKE A SLOTH ON EDIBLES, SO CHILL. BUT YOUR CHATTERING. F*CK, I’M TURNING INTO THAT WET KOALA BEAR MEME THAT SCARES THE POO RIGHT OUT OF YOU!”
You can see “a world to win” on their podium banner. Not sure how these Democratic Socialists, who aren’t even sturdy enough to be compared to snowflakes, will win anything other than the mockery of people like us.
But wait, because there’s this:
This may have been the first convention in history where no one got laidpic.twitter.com/VGNjHtzTVn
— Andy Swan (@AndySwan) August 4, 2019
What, praytell, is an “aggressive scent”? Money? Winning? Soap?
This is the future of American socialism. These are the people who want to control your tax dollars and dictate a better way to live. They can’t use pronouns. They can’t chatter. They can’t talk to people who are not credentialed socialists. They can’t see how they are to American political discourse what bird poop is to a windshield. Not just one bird turd. These socialists are what happens when you park your car at the beach under a lampost.
I’ll take MAGAsexuals over this limp-wristed nerfballs any day. Any. Day.
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Author: Courtney Kirchoff